Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I just kept on absorbing statements that even if it messes up my individuality a lot, i refuse to confront the person who has actually said it.
and now, i am in a dilemma wherein i am really confused whether being silent about the issue helps.. because as i can see, it just worsens the issue.. a lot.
It's like i'm letting my foe get over the game and let her get a win win win battle.
I am trying my best to make a move wherein I can assure God that He'd be glorified..
but it's hard. Really hard to pretend that as if i'm not being affected by the issue. That vengeance is His not mine..
It's also oh so tempting to realize that I can really do something and fight back with my own flesh if I would just want it badly but I can't because I have to stick to the character God wants me to be.
and what's more sorrowful than to know that you are telling the truth yet no one would seem to believe because others continue to put words in your mouth and persecute me even if I already chose to cease fire and raise the white flag.
I don't know until when would i suffer this loss of freedom over my (other) friends and let the foe rejoice just because of preventing them (other friends) from being involved..
I don't even know what tomorrow holds, what LIES would be fabricated again..
but 1 thing I'm sure of.. God is my refuge, He knows my stand..
Sooner I guess (and that i don't even know how soon it will be) but i know truth shall prevail.
In a crowd of LIARS, the truth shall set the innocent free..
Monday, March 15, 2010
yea, wat u’ve read is indeed true.
last sunday, i just had a quick reunion with Alagon Clan (my dad’s side) and a part of me have urged me to work harder for myself and for my family..
i mean part of me had been spent pitying my dad’s life bcuz he wasnt able to grab good opportunities when he was younger.. he has no job ryt now and we’re near to being so poor. hmp. compared to his cousins, revealing successes all the way with an abundant life.. having cars and well-organized properties and assets all over, while us?
the other part of me felt so down.
even if they (my 2nd degree titas and tito) doesnt say a word, yet i feel prejudice. i think they are not well-convinced that my course is the right thing for me to pursue to get our feet out of poverty..
and the other part of me is challenged. motivating myself that i dont need their affirmation to be successful to the course i have been into.
i do believe that i could prove to everyone that my course had been the right thing for me.
yea, perhaps.. its a defense mechanism for me not to losen my self-esteem..
got to pretend that i dont mind..
pero di nga, i’m happy really that we have this reunion thing..
mahilig pa naman talaga ako sa socialization, and its quite fulfilling to see successful relatives..
it inspires me to do and work more out of the life God gave me..
that i have still to exert effort..
and i guess this is it..
before i totally forget the experience, at least i have written an account for it..
it was just 14 hours ago, to be precise, that i have almost forgotten to wake up..
haha, i really had the best dream ever!!
you know what it was?
it was a dream of a “him”..
yea! a HIM bcuz i really dont know who he was or whether i have already met him wayback on the past or what..
all i know is that he is composed of a physique of a man, a bit taller than me, fair-complexioned guy..
oh my! and do u know what really made me feel good there was the thought that he himself find his way to find me..
oh diba? ang haba ng hair ko.. haha
fulfilling ang feeling na u have been found by someone..
romantically sweet.. az in.
and u know what the scenario was? when he saw me, i cant help myself but hug him and cry..
oh my.. hahai,
how i wish sumbody out there is still making the business of finding me..
and how i wish he wud not be too late to find me..
..coz i’m waitin..
Di ko pa man xa nakikita (perhaps) but i know i’d love him..
Take care of yourself my “HIM”..
Hi there SOMEONE!
How are you?
know what? i’ve been waiting for this moment where we could finally talk.. where i could finally blurt my heart out.
i dont know how to start but here it goes, i’ll try to make it slow..
i know this sorry isn’t enough to ease the hurt i’ve caused u (or is there really a pain i’ve caused you?)
i don’t know really what have you felt that time coz we havent had a chance to talk..right?
but if i there is, i’m really sorry..
it’s just that that time, i’ve been oh-so-blinded by someone that i havent even got the time to anticipate for your needs.
i did not even gave LOVE a chance..
and instead of me, knowing you deeper, i never really had the time and motivation to do it.. sorry.
i’ve been stuck up with this so badly that i needed to pour it out.
i got lots of question and reaction that i wanted to hear from you.
the ignorance and the silence kills me..
could you please let me know about how you felt?
so that i may know whether i’m suppose to tell you this i’ve been feeling lately.
yea, i must confess.
this past few months since we first met from the moment we fell apart,
i think i’ve been wanting to have a second chance for an “US”..
but i’m uncertain, because i know it had created a “NO” for an answer for everything i’ve done.
you might have the fear to get hurt again..
or it’s just that you have never loved me that’s why there’s no more “2nd chance”
or you might not feeling the same way because you already have moved on and found somebody better..
i don’t know.. that’s why we need to talk..
..that’s why i’m asking you.
you know, this is the hardest thing to do on earth right now..
to regain what was lost..
i don’t know how to give an assurance that i’m ALREADY here for u and I WONT HURT U ANYMORE..
i dont know,
and another thing is..
it’s giving me the feeling of assuming too much that i’m still the one who holds the key to your heart..
e kasi naman e! u won’t even talk about it!
and para lang akong nagmomoNologue..
hope there could be an easier way to do this!
even if it hurts to hear the answers, i still want to hear a word from you.
Sincerely and pathetically here,
*an old excerpt of my plead. haha March 3, 2009
but the difference is im better now..
im not that cynical and pessimistic ryt now
and i guess i have to keep in touch with this attitude..
i no longer want to burden my mind and HEART with undesirable things that’s not even worth of me..
am i right and am i right? haha
and i am now on the process of polishing my path towards my future career..
i guess i need to focus to things that’s worth of my value.. bcuz i’m not good in multi-tasking..LOL
and perhaps i have to keep on waiting..still.. for my knight in shining armor.. i still believe..
i would love to meet my SPECIAL angel on the right time..
not in this situation that even i is not stable and sure with..
A great reward comes to those who wait and i want to be one of those who will be receiving the best reward..
Thank God He helped me realize things..
sigh! now that valentines day is fast approaching, i need not to be pressured but enjoy my “singleness” instead..
i’m happy now.Ü
(and i hope they’d see this..haha)
*Feb. 5,2009 from my friendster blog*
i’m gonna be insane nito..
this is it.
i just posted how unstable xeena is now..emotionally.
things dont get on their way already..
it’s turning into mess.
as of now i’m finding the missing xeena.
uncertain i am, but maybe its not just Xeena that i’m lookin for..
i’m also in search of her missing piece..
and that i still have to discover..
she also said that
even she could not determine what she’s lookin for..swear.
i think she’s kinda down-hearted for shallow reasons..
being off for two years seem strange and she’s startin to feel uneasy..
there were guys who have been wrong for some time that attempt to catch her heart but she was displeased with them..
could somebody made her realizze her worth and could relive her heart again?
next thing she’s a bit confused with is that she don’t know how to mantain her relationship wit’ God..
She may seem near to Him yet so far actually..
could somebody help her..?
ironic it may seem bcuz she’s a Psych major but i hope, i mean we hope that before it gets too late for abything..
before she gets unattractive, and old,
i hope she'll find what she’s lookin for..
*this is a Feb.2,2009 old post of mine..haha
Sunday, March 14, 2010
It's something that incorporates friendship and trust. (Sigh)
It's just so sad to realize that no one is to be trusted nowadays.. that we are living in a world filled with deceits and discrepancies.
The people whom you thought worth-trusting are the ones who'll be the first in the list to betray you and stab you at the back.
It's something that seems to be so natural and indeed becoming a trend in our society to world..
- to deceive others.
I hate to admit it, but.. i could hardly say that i have mastered the art of spotting a LIAR already. I've been studying it for such a long time ago and sad to say that until now i haven't even had the half of the whole chapter.
Sometimes, It's driving me crazy of which among my senses should I use just to realize that what i am into is such a big LIE.
Should it be that I use my intuitions wherein my feeling about the matter shall matter?
or would it be my cognition wherein logic is followed and is involved?
It's confusing, deceiving, intoxicating. And I hate being in a dilemma such as this. It chokes me up. I mean I still could not figure out why the hell would people have to lie and pretend! Urgh.
*an excerpt from my diary last March 13, 2010 (while waiting for our Psych Night to start)